What happens when the pursuer stops pursuing?

The amazing thing that happens when the pursuer stops pursuing, however, is that your partner stops feeling the need to distance him/herself emotionally or physically. Suddenly the threat has disappeared and there is no reason to distance him/herself anymore.

Who is a Distancer?

Pursuers are known for being outcome dependent and have a hard time making changes without expectations. Distancers are known for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure.

How do you break the Distancer on the pursuer cycle?

In order to break the cycle and transform the pursuer-distancer pattern into a healthy relationship, both partners need to find their own balance between solitude and connection. In essence, each partner needs to be able to be alone and also to connect with others.

What is an emotional pursuer?

In relationships, more often than not, there is one person who wants more emotional closeness than the other. Dr. Les Greenberg, who developed Emotion Focused Therapy, describes this as one person being the “pursuer” and the other the “distancer” in the relationship.

How do I stop being a pursuer?

Breaking The Pattern Relationships require give and take and asking for what you need. Understanding and addressing the attachment needs of your partner during times of relationship stress can stop the pursuer/distancer pattern.

What is distancing in a relationship?

Emotional distancing in a relationship happens when one of you feels like the other is asking too much or is feeling smothered in the relationship. The distancing partner attempts to put space between you to reduce anxiety. If one partner pursues the other, the distance becomes greater in response.

What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant?

Once you stop chasing him, he’ll miss your laugh, your smile, your incredible energy that kept him going. Without getting into the social psychology too much, a quarter to a third of all people have avoidant attachment styles. That means that they will feel even less attraction for you due to your chasing.

What happens when a Distancer pursues a pursuer?

Eventually, the pursuer gets sick and tired, and feels resentful and angry having pursued for so long and the distancer doesn’t hear footsteps anymore, looks back and the person’s gone. What the distancer usually does is they turn right around and run back to their partner.

Why do some couples struggle with the pursuer-Distancer dance?

While all couples need autonomy and closeness, many partners struggle with the pursuer-distancer dance and feel chronically dissatisfied with their degree of intimacy. When the pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes ingrained, the behavior of one partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other.

Can a Distancer maintain the status quo in a relationship?

A distancer may feel unhappy about how things are going in a relationship, but he or she is still more likely to maintain the status quo than to move toward a partner who is in pursuit mode. This is the reality faced by the pursuer men I work with.

When does the pursuer-Distancer dynamic persist in a second marriage?

He also warns us that if it’s not changed, the pursuer-distancer dynamic will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships. Partners in intimate relationships tend to blame the other person when their needs are not being met. A pursuer-distancer dance follows, which intensifies the dynamic.